Now we are all guilty in the winter months of out colding each other. What I mean by this is, we spend most of our time between October and March saying “oh I’ve had that cold ”to “man I am so ill” and even “ughh I so know what you mean I’ve been sick all winter”. I honestly think it’s a right of passage of being British to tell everyone that we have all had that damn cold going around and ours is worse then yours! Now although it’s the norm comparing one runny nose against another, what about when it comes to having an chronic illness compared to someone with a terminal illness. Now that’s a game changer!
As so many of you know my dad And best friend Mick has terminal Lung and Oesophageal Cancer which is spreading quickly and is limiting his time with us. We have all been told it could be a matter of months and that’s something we are still trying to get our head round! For now we are spending every minute we can having fun, making memories and being us!
Thursday night was a shitter to say the least! I was having a major endo flare up at home and had just taken codiene, when I got a call from mum saying Dad is not well. Fast forward a blue lighted ambulance trip, being in resus, then finally on a bed in Majors! To say we were scared would be playing it down! Dad was extremely poorly and we only had hope and each other to cling too.
Once we managed to get a seat I was in agony! My left ovary was playing up more then a child in the bank, my back was in pieces and legs numb like ice cream. Yet somehow it just doesn’t feel right to say oh I’m not feeling too good when someone is battling life or death.
My parents are so supportive and I truly would be lost without them. One time after my dad hadn’t driven for months , he drove to mine just to share his morphine as I was struggling. Through the darkest days they still make sure I am managing and doing ok! I am more thankful to them then Simon Cowell is to Botox!
Since Dad has become sick it’s hard not to feel a sense of guilt when complaining to him about how much I am in pain, or how I feel so rough, or struggling to get by. I’ve had to watch myself a few times when moaning and groaning to not say, “ughh I feel like I’m dying 😅” My dad would be the type to take the piss and say shut up women, but still no one wants to be that dramatic.
Although wrong, it’s hard to not compare your symptoms to someone who has a terminal illness. I find myself saying a lot, “well I’m lucky it could be worse”or “I wonder how dad must be feeling” to “oh at least it’s not a serious as cancer”. Sometimes Dad and I will sit and chat about how shit it is taking all the fruity meds and having appointments and all I can think is you need them more and I’m lucky I don’t need them like you do! But i shouldn’t. I shouldn’t compare myself to anyone else! No of us knows what it’s like to live through something until actually living it. My mum comments all the time that she can’t even imagine how the pain must affect me and how hard it must be living with a chronic illness.
We all have our own issues, illnesses, stories, dramas etc and don’t get me wrong a cancer card trumps all but that shouldn’t stop us from being able to express our sadness of being dealt a wank hand of living with a chronic illness! We should never compare ourselves to others or judge how another deals with pain as we are all different. Each of us should feel proud of even being able to talk about how we feel and how it really affects us instead of always just saying “IM FINE”!
I must add though if you come to me when I’m hormonal, bloated, in pain and have been awake all night and tell me how tired you are after a full nights kip (JACK!!!) then yes I will polity tell you to fuck off, grow up and inform you don’t know what it’s like and stop being a bitch!!!